10 Things All Dog Owners Know

Sorry if that title seemed like click bait. It’s not supposed to be. I just didn’t know what else to call this post.

The fact is, dog owners know things about dogs and living with dogs that no one else understands.

1. When your dog licks something off of your kitchen floor, clean that mess up! There is literally — literally — nothing more slippery than dog slobber on tile and if you step on it, your foot is going to go shooting out from under you and suddenly you’re going to remember why you haven’t tried doing a split since you were 8 years old.

2. Dog farts are basically biological warfare weapons that your dog’s chosen to combat the fact that you only gave her one chicken jerky stick when she knows that you bought a whole bag from Trader Joe’s.

3. Dogs time their barking outbursts in strategic intervals so that you have time to relax and let your guard down in between jumping out of your skin because this time she might actually see a murderer outside. Oh, no wait, it’s a feather caught in your window screen.

4. Leg humping, butt sniffing and crotch licking are all behaviors that are tucked away in a little corner of your dog’s brain and are simultaneously released only when you’re trying to impress a guest.

5. Dog graffiti exists. It is the nose smudges your dog leaves on every single pane of glass in your home, including the oven window, where your dog likes to compliment your roast by wiping her doggy snot all over the stove.

6. Dogs don’t always want to sleep under the blankets with you, but when they do, the room is already too hot and their bodies are 5 million molten degrees and they don’t just want under the blankets; they want to snuggle.

7. Bully sticks are penises. There. I said it. One of the most popular dog treats, available in every pet store across the country, is 100% bull wiener. And sometimes they’re even braided. Not sure how I feel about that.

8. If your dog throws up semi-digested food, give her about 27 seconds and she’ll clean up most of the mess for you. Obviously don’t let her eat it again if it’s anything she shouldn’t have eaten in the first place. Duh.

9. Dogs aren’t actually interested in squirrels. They just think you are because every time they bark at or chase one, you come running. They’re just trying to gather your favorite gift for you.

10. A dog’s palate is like an M. C. Escher drawing — study it all day and it’s still an enigma. Roasted yam treats? Gross! Half-eaten, slimy knot of grass vomit? Eat it before Mommy stops us! Beef-flavored heartworm medicine? No way! Strange, obese, grunting dog’s anus? Lickies!

I love having these dogs. They keep me happy all day long and I can’t imagine life without them. But, you know, sometimes…

In the famous words of the privileged millennial diva: I can’t even.